I'm not sure that I even know me.

I don't ever want to put my feelings on the back-burner. Life may tell me that I need to experience other people, other beds, but I don't feel the need to until I'm completely sure. At first I was sure, then tempted due to what I thought of as an "essential need" but now I believe I'm back at the beginning or the so called "chopping block." No, I don't write for anyone anymore. It's a lonely world I thrive in, I try to make the most out of what I can. Getting to know relatives better and my friends has occupied my time very nicely as well as the new born bunny I am now fostering until it's eyes open. I hope I'll be considered as mother, or else my heart will break. My mother told me last night that her ex husband burned the best diary she's ever written. I asked her for her diaries but alas the meatiest one lie in ashes scattered by a man who shat on her so many times it took her seven years to realize it. She told me she could barely function after she left him. He set her belongings ablaze. I feel as if the half has been done to my heart so far but I try to forge on with life and reality has taken a huge bite out of my self-confidence and sparkle. It's definitely not the same world I'm used to. It's hollow and fleeting; I can barely even remember my dreams when I wake. Do they mean anything? They've been so confusing lately, and they never seem to suffice. Decisions take at least ten days to make and have to be thoroughly thought through before any steps of action are completed. Life gets more confusing as I go on. But with every year I feel wiser than the last and every relationship woe can be avoided by immediate contact and listening. I don't feel that I'll be a fool as I was in the past. Tiny subtle things are the biggest facts I take into account. Maybe it's because of my heart. It feels so small and shriveled and it's all due to myself breaking it. There is no one else to blame except for me. I must live with this decision and stick by it if I am to live. 
love, polly


The Current River

I will never forget my friends from Edwardsville. They taught me everything. They love unconditionally like I have known them all my life, and I couldn't be more thankful. Here are a few pictures from our float trip last weekend.