Tuesday

Without you today's emotions would be the scurf of yesterday's.

I often ask why I forced myself to love someone. For I was only a girl who thought she knew what she could control. Having been in love only once before I did not know quite how it happened when I was 15. I figured I could forge the recipe to relieve certain stresses the year had brought me after the break up. Did I really intend on forcing myself to act as in love with someone? Nothing else sparkled about it. Maybe he was a good person at heart, but sooner or later it tends and tended to show. I believe I forced myself to feel something for someone else who was otherwise unloveable due to the mere fact that I needed to move on with life. He was my means to an end and I didn't care much who got hurt. Unfortunately life isn't always what you wanted or expected it to be, and I've come to see that over the past couple years. I often wonder about the past and knowing everything that I know now, I would have changed many things. Then again, those things made me what I am today and I know I would be different even if a single person didn't or did step into my life at a certain time. People don't just come into your life for no reason. Everyone is pivotal whether they remain for a week or even years. You learn something about yourself every single day, right? At least that is the way I try to live. That might be the way to live for eternity. I forgive myself for past wronging and try to make each day count to the fullest. Every once in a while I get down on myself but I don't think anyone can truly know themselves or be an actual human being without being in a very low point at some time in their lives. It hit me, like a whirlwind, raging in all different directions. It would never stop and still hasn't. I can't bear to bring myself to brush lips with anyone except him. I find it sad in the highest degree but cannot seem to bring myself to closure. He knows it and I do. But life gets pretty surreal when your first love has moved on in a drastic way that you could never even begin to fathom. Gone are the days where I loved being alive and played amongst the trees. Gone are the days of the first taste of that love that was so vibrant. Gone are my feelings and believing that love would last forever. No, I do not think the right answer to dealing with a love lost is to bury yourself in other men's arms for the mere sake of trying to feel again. Whatever the answer is it lies deep beneath your breast. Then again, who even knows if it comes from your heart? When you feel like you cannot live anymore, take a step back and realize that your first is over. You must now join the real world and accept that other people have been used just like you, and are also there to use you as well... IF YOU LET THEM. There is a certain calming aspect to the view that everyone's fantasy is over, though, it's a common place where broken hearts collide and try to find real love. The kind that people don't have to acknowledge to each other, they just know. I intend to hold myself with a certain aspect of pride, I do. No one and nothing is going to get in my way of career goals and what I want. It's in the creases of my worn palms and I will not stop until my bloody finger nails are fixed around my prize.

2 comments:

Brent said...

wow that was amazing!

03a9da86-293b-11e1-afd9-000bcdcb8a73 said...

This is amazing :) I recently was broken up with by the girl i loved. The heart is so fragile yet love still plays rough.