Sunday

Is just being pretty ever really enough?

Of course it's not. Since when has anyone been completely satisfied with their life? Does being pretty make you feel more satisfied with your life than having a cup of black coffee every morning? People who look at themselves in the mirror constantly probably feel better about themselves, but for me it just doesn't cut it. Where does the nitty gritty part of life start? That's just what I want to find. Stable routines that are performed every day and you always know they will be there for you. Has my new found coffee habit replaced stable relationships in my life? Has a sense of fashion dominated my passion for the environment? Sort-of. It scares me finally picking one venue for my life to slide on because I am interested in so many different things. It's wrong to tell a high schooler that he/she has to decide exactly what to do with his/her life. No one knows what they want to do right off the bat and someone who has only had say eighteen years of experience could end up making the worst mistake of his/her life by deciding to go or not to go to college. Unless if you're one of those freaks who has known they wanted to be a doctor since they were five. Do I know if fashion design is the right choice for me? At the moment. I believe I have to take my feelings just as they come because what else am I to do with my worn in life? No, I don't feel worn out, just worn in. It's a nice, cozy feeling I might add. Knowing a little more about yourself and how the world around you works is nice, too. It gets awfully lonely in my world sometimes, but I like to think of it as a meditation time. I try not to cling to anything or anyone and addictions scare me. So how am I to perform every day tasks like going to work? Even rituals scare me. I just HATE the thought of having to do the same exact thing every morning. It scares me more than I can say. Is it because I have relationship/commitment issues? Maybe. If I don't know then it's a sure bet no one else does. It's weird when you don't even really have yourself figured out. Eventually I will know why I feel a certain way when someone looks me in the eye. Some day I'll figure out why I can't form words and complete thoughts around new acquaintances. Eventually I'll stop writing down in this blog and get a real journal. Eventually I'll die. This leads me to a conclusion. What is it? Hrmpf. You don't have to be pretty in order to get somewhere in life. You don't have to be book smart. You have to be a person. You have to have individuality. Guts. You have to sacrifice a lot. In my version of my perfect life.. it would be me. Maybe a cat. Maybe a nice apartment with lavender walls and a freshly picked rose at the side of my bed. No, it doesn't include anyone else except for my friends and family. That scares me but I can't bring my mind to imagine myself under different circumstances. But I get so lonely sometimes..
love, polly

1 comment:

☾☪moondoll said...

I realize this probably isn't a recent post but better late than never. As of late a lot of changes, thoughts and fears have been passing my mind as I finally figured out that the path I want to take and I couldn't believe it didn't hit me before. Then, more so, I realized it had hit me I wanted to work in fashion and photography but I was scared of committing to do the same thing everyday, having it become a "job" and also of being bad at it. I've always been pressured to pick pick pick and I think that pressure actually traumatizes us more than anything! Don't we need to live and learn to know what we love? Anyways this is actually going on a tangent away from subject and the point of this comment which is I enjoyed this post and will probably end up linking it to a few close comrades because it speaks greatly of thoughts I have myself. Thank you for writing it!